66 Actual Letters From Garth Johnson
A Letter Writing Project

Garth Johnson lives in Victoria, British Columbia with his roommates Tolan and Carolyn. They all play together in a great band called... Carolyn Mark & Her Roommates

Garth is a talented drummer, cool artist, and (I always figured) too smug by half. Because of these annoying traits (and also because Garth didn't know me quite well enough to immediately suspect me); I decided I would write to a wide variety of public figures on his behalf.

The recipients were divided randomly into three categories...

The Good: "you are the greatest person in the world"
The Bad: "you are the worst person in the world"
and...
The Ugly: "God told me to write you this letter"

50 percent went to men, and 50 percent went to women.

The letters all included his return address, and a postscript requesting an autographed picture.

On October 31st, 2000, whilst visiting Victoria, I sent off the first 33 letters... further batches were sent out at intervals over the course of one year. Confederates were enlisted to mail some of the letters specifically when I was not in Victoria.

All I had to do then was await the responses that Garth would recieve.

The year was to prove a baffling one for Mr. Johnson, as letters and autographed pictures (as well as the occasional 'return to sender' letter) began to arrive (apparently) unsolicited in his mailbox.
If you want to pretend you are Garth; read the responses and the returned letters before you read the original letters.

On December 26th, 2001, I came clean with him... we had a good laugh about everything... and then he beat me up.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
The letters are availble in Adobe PDF format

GOOD...

BAD...

UGLY...

Mu'ammar al-Quadhafi
Leader of Lybia

 

Kofi Annan
Secretary-General of the UN

RESPONSE: letter

Bruce Allen
music promoter

RESPONSE: letter

Bea Arthur
actress: Maude

RESPONSE: letter

Margaret Atwood
author: Handmaiden's Tale

 

Dan Cameron
museum curator

 

Timothy Brown
actor: Nashville

 

Linda Barry
cartoonist: Ernie Pook's Comeek

RESPONSE: envelope / letter

Noam Chomsky
media critic/linguist

 

Exene Cervenka
musician: X

 

Gretchen Mann Brewin
MLA: NDP

 

Coco the Chimp
actually a gorilla

 

Robert Downey Jr.
actor: Less Than Zero

 

Cher
singer/actress

 

Ace Frehley
musician: KISS

 

Fabio
male model

Returned to sender

Olivia D'Abo
actress: Wonder Years

RESPONSE: photo temporarily misplaced

Gallagher
comedian

RESPONSE: photo #1 / photo #2

President Falcam
President of the FSM

 

Gary Doer
Premier of Manitoba

 

Ann of Green Gables
literary character

 

Bill Gates
tycoon

RESPONSE: letter / photo

Einstein's Brain
physicist's brain

 

Moira Gatens
professor of philosophy

 

Heino
musician/German icon

 

Enya
singer

 

Crispin Glover
actor: River's Edge

 

Mike Keane
hockey player

 

Larry Flynt
publisher/smut peddlar

 

J. Gregory aka G. Murdock
actor: Barney Miller

turned out to be an autograph company

Nancy Kerrigan
attacked ice skater

RESPONSE: letter / photo

Kenny G
musician/hack

Returned to sender

Jessie Helms
politician/horrorshow

 

Anne Murray
singer

 

GI Joe
action figure

RESPONSE: letter

Janet Jackson
singer

 

Manuel Noriega
former leader of Panama

Returned to sender

Henry Kissinger
statesman/war criminal

 

Garth Johnson
another Garth Johnson/musician

Returned to sender

Suzanne Pleshette
actress: Bob Newhart

 

Don McKellar
actor/director/writer: Twitch City

 

Terry Jones
actor/comedian: Monty Python

RESPONSE: letter / photo

Pete Rose
former baseball player

 

Gavin McLeod
actor: Love Boat

 

Lenny
cartoon character: Simpsons

 

Danielle Steele
bulk author

RESPONSE: letter

Rita McNeil
singer

RESPONSE: letter

Gloria Macarenko
anchorwoman: CBC

 

Martha Stewart
interior designer

RESPONSE: photo

The Pope
pope

RESPONSE: letter / photo

Tolan McNeil
musician/Garth's roommate

 

Margaret Thatcher
former Prime Minister of the UK

 

Sally Ride
astronaut

 

Rita Moreno
actress/dancer: West Side Story

 

Emma Thompson
actress: Winter Guest

 

Santa
jolly old elf

 

Brittney Spears
singer

 

Clint Walker
actor: Dirty Dozen

 

Penelope Spheeris
director: Decline of Western Civilization

 

Steve Tyler
singer: Arrowsmith

 

Shelley Winters
actress: Night of the Hunter

RESPONSE: photo

Ringo Starr
musician

 

Mike Tyson
boxer/thug

 

Pia Zadora
actress: Butterfly

 

Venus Williams
tennis player

 

John Waters
director: Pink Flamingos

 

The Letter of Explaination

Garth Johnson
the mark

None of this would have been possible without
The Star Archive

If you like prank letters, there are more here...
Doug Stanhope's Letters

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Copyright © Andrew Pearson & Garth Johnson 2002